Video
games can do almost anything. They can empower you with invincibility
stars or decimate your confidence after three seconds of Dark Souls. But
rarely do video games ever succeed at being sexy. Even moreso than superhero comics,
video games have had a rough time depicting a virtual bout of blanket
hornpipe. Part of it is the fact that tapping buttons and spinning
analog sticks just doesn't do a whole lot to approximate what it's
really like to bump uglies. Even if it's only featured in a cutscene or
in the background, video game sex almost always turns out awkward -- but
developers and publishers decide to leave it in anyway. Except for this
first one...
8. GTA's infamous "Hot Coffee"
It's impossible to talk about awkward sex in video games
without mentioning Grand Theft Auto's' "Hot Coffee" incident. If you
weren't alive in 2005 -- well, first give us some of your pure virgin
blood so that we may imbibe on the Devil's Night to retain our human
form -- but if you aren't otherwise familiar, "Hot Coffee" referred to
explicit
sex scenes hidden in the code of GTA: San Andreas.
You couldn't view or play the scenes it without modding the game, but
that didn't stop it from boiling the ankle-length britches of parents
and news stations across the country. All that furor over this:
What
first appears to be a very unorthodox zipper repair is actually one of
the first instances of fellatio depicted in a video game. Looking at it
now, it's not really that different than the tame sexual detours in
stuff like God of War. It's not even softcore Skinemax level -- she's
wearing underwear, and our view of what is most certainly a
highly-detailed visual representation of a blowjob is obscured. What
could be so--
Oh.
I guess I can see the trouble here. Despite the fact that their clothes
are on, this is definitely detailed (and hilarious) playable sex.
What's truly baffling is that some programmer made this at the behest of the Sam Houser,
one of the masterminds behind the series. In Houser's view, the only
way for video games to be seen on the same artistic level as books and
movies was to include graphic sex minigames to allow the player to
digifuck their rubbery in-game girlfriends. The ESRB thought
differently, and so the scenes were cut in order to get an M rating. The
game sold millions of copies anyway, because jetpacks are an acceptable
substitute for sex.
7. The Sims' ghost sex
You can do some pretty messed up stuff to your Sims. You can
electrocute them, you can make them wallow in their pee or even instill
them with an inescapable sense of self-doubt that will haunt them for
their professional lives. But the most common Sim-sadism comes when you
force two people into emotionless boinking by repeatedly clicking their
faces together until one of them reluctantly whimpers: "Woo... Hoo." If a
Sim should die a horrific but purely accidental death in a doorless
room with nothing but a fireplace and a stack of wicker baskets, then
you're screwed out of screwing. Well, unless you make your Sim into a
ghost.
That's
right, with some finagling you are able to spark relationships and do
coitus with spooky ghosts. But to what end? Are ghosts even good between
the sheets? It seems like it'd be like it'd be about as satisfying as
humping a light breeze. And it's not like you could even get a Sim ghost
pregnant if you wante--
Oh, wow. The implications here are intense. If ghosts can
do it and then get pregnant, what really separates the living from the
dead? Do the babies stay babies forever
like the toys in Toy Story? Is there a Sims cheat-code to un-learn things?
6. Awkward puzzle-porn in 7 Sins
Like The Guy Game, Leisure Suit Larry and BabeBlaster 3: Return of
Pubetressa, 7 Sins is one of those "sexy" games made for (and
potentially by) people who have never had sex. Technically the game
revolves around social trials relating to the deadly sins, but most know
it for the multitude of vapid females for which to woo and lay on top
of. It's not like "sexy" games shouldn't exist, but you don't get to use
that term when making out looks like this:
As you can see, these copulation-bots have initiated kiss protocols
and proceed to their standing sequence following sufficient tongueosity.
If seeing dead-eyed androids attempting a facsimile of love isn't your
thing, there's always the stimulating puzzle games:
The
goal of this segment is to "Find the G-spot," which like in real life
is achieved by gliding an orb around a pixelated image. You are rewarded
for your prowess with tantalizing reveals of a generous man having sex
-- or as the game would put it, Sex Sex Sex! -- with a boneless woman
whose organs have been liquefied. Upon completion of your underwear sex,
7 Sins announces you have reached the "highest relationship level" with
your partner. You might as well kill yourself, because the human
experience doesn't get any better from here.
5. Ride to Hell: Retribution's pants-on sex-off
Though
it was only released in 2013, Ride to Hell: Retribution has gained
legendary cult status among the masochists in the bad-game-fan
community. In RtH, you hopefully will never play as bad boy Jake Conway
on a quest for revenge. Yeah, the shooting is terrible and the driving
sequences are a joke, but the things most people gravitate towards are
the unbelievably bad sex scenes.
This pitiful merry-go-round of flesh is supposed to be your
reward for completing a mission. This is what it's like for the whole
game, as your sad caveman sleepwalks between objectives in an effort to
grind and grunt in the general vicinity of multiple mannequin women. The
developers didn't even bother programming naked character models for
the sex scenes.
Minutes
after employing Jake employs services of a prostitute, a voluptuous car
mechanic gets her turn to ride to hell. Unless they ripped a hole in
that denim onesie, that's the most elaborate dryhumping I've ever seen.
Then there's the most excruciating threesome ever witnessed.
People made this game, the discs were pressed in a factory and sent to stores where people could buy them. There's no going back
4. The XXX Adventures of X-Man
As
we've noted before,
X-Man is not a game from Marvel, even though the star is a mutant whose
ability is to have a permanent two-foot boner. And while one of
Professor X's students would find a way to use a giant erection to
benefit mankind, all X-Man wants to do is find a babe in a yellow hedge
maze.
The
base game is kind of like Pac-Man, if the ghosts wanted to munch on
your large, throbbing genitals. If you are clever enough to devise the
"wait in one corner for a while" strategy, you will be rewarded with a
pink naked lady who presents herself for an act that vaguely resembles
fornication.
Every sex minigame is the same. You always play the guy,
tasked with repeatedly thrusting in and out of a woman whose nipple is
blinking in and out of existence; at the end both parties always orgasm
at the same time while their bodies are bombarded with cosmic rays. As
rote as it is, it's one of the few games on this list that actually
shows penetration. Cute, antiquated penetration, but penetration
nonetheless.
3. Dante's Inferno explores necrophilia with QTEs
People
like to criticize Dante's Inferno for being more faithful to the God of
War series than the book on which it was loosely based, but the game
had other issues too. Probably in an effort to up the ante on Kratos'
boobtastic adventures, the developers added a boss fight in the form of a
very naked, very dead Cleopatra. It gets weird fast.
There was a dude whose job it was to make the creepy rotting boobs
jiggle after Cleopatra rubs Dante's hand over her nipples. How do you
even put that on a resume? Maybe like "Post-Mortem Chestular Engineer"?
At least it's over quick, but not before it gets even more uncomfortable.
See,
you thought that you were pressing up on the left stick to push your
heavily-armored penis inside a naked demon lady, but you were actually
just disemboweling her with your huge sword. With these kinds of
compelling narrative twists, it's a wonder why this franchise never took
off.
2. Manhunt 2's eternal porn theater
Manhunt
2 tries really hard to shock you. Though the brainwashed-assassin plot
has a lot in common with The Naked Gun (really), most of the game looks
like an extremely violent psychotic episode.
After
an insane ruthless execution like that, it's a little jarring to walk
into a porntheater. And it's probably designed that way. What's probably
not intentional is how the porn comes across.
At its heart, the porn theater is just an "edgy" backdrop for yet
another firefight in a game full of firefights. But the whole time
you're shooting at the guys taking cover behind those crusty seats,
those two are going at it. The whole thing seems like it's on a loop,
one that would keep going and going even after you leave the room. Even
now, somewhere out there, these animated blow-up dolls are grunting and
thrusting, trapped in an endless cycle of awkward and sterile sex. Sort
of like every GIF in this article.
1. The user-generated depravity of LittleBigPlanet
If
you are ever so careless to give the internet a mild amount of control
over anything, it's going to turn into a penis. It goes the other way,
too -- you could grant the internet the power to create unlimited food
and water for the whole world, and within the first hour someone would
make a cornfield shaped like a big ol' dick and balls. So when
LittleBigPlanet arrived and promised incredible freedom to make whatever
kind of cutesy patchwork levels you wanted, you can bet your ass that
the first thing anyone did was make a sex level. So. Many. Sex levels.
You
might notice that a lot of these GIFs are from videos that look like
they were shot in the back row of a movie theater using a Nikon
Shitbrick 750 -- that's because a lot of this is the work of adolescent
boys who have unlimited free time but still no access to video capture
technology. Shocker, I know. You can usually catch a glimpse of them
enjoying their own handiwork with impish glee at the front or tail end
of the videos. In a way, it's sort of impressive that most of these
approximate sex better than the stuff made by grown adults with college
degrees.
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